Can a Marriage be Saved by Sexual Aids?

For many the word “marriage” is a word that one dare not bring up to someone they are dating! Sure for most women, they get involved with a guy in a long term relationship with the ideal of one day they will be married! Yet for other women, they just want to get their rocks off! The idea that most men go into a relationship actually wanting to get married is at the least absurd (unless of course they've done all the craziness they are planning on doing)! Regardless to which category one finds themselves, for some reason some people seem to think that marriage equates the DEATH OF THE SEX LIFE! This doesn't have to be the case!

It's amazing to me of how many couples who have come into marriage counseling with me who have this one issue and it spins around the issue of sex and sexuality within their marriage relationship! One of the most prevailing questions that I have come across concerning this topic is “Can sex toys save a marriage?” The answer to that question is “NO” in most peoples minds, however, are most people really getting the right “medication” when it comes to marriage and the sexual covenant one makes with their spouse?

Marriage is a covenant that can be summed up in the union of love, friendship, and definitely intimacy with an emphasis on a healthy sex life, however, often times it is the lack of the healthy sex life that contributes to many marriages being broken and fragmented. So what is the issue?

The issue is that society has labeled things as taboo and that leads to an inability to communicate with one's spouse concerning sexual needs and desires, especially within the lives of those who are extremely religious and sees sex as a means to an end and not as a living entity that transcends beyond two people but instead enlivens and invigorates two persons into one being! It is this loss of communication skills and the silly notion that “things will get better” which you can honestly say is a marriage doomed for separation.

Adding to our inability to express ourselves, we often lead a lifestyle that equates busy-ness with success. In that sex gets put on a list to do instead of being on the list to become and everything else (longer working hours, shopping, house work, etc...) gets in the place and in the way of a healthy sex life. WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS but honestly speaking from experience, being too tired or having a headache or being too busy is NO reason to replace the coming together of individuals to experience the greatness of their counterpart!

Sex should not be a chore, neither should sex be had only a few times a month, try a few times a week, if your life is really that busy, schedule a few quickies and some real intimate time with your significant other EVERY week! There is nothing greater than fantasizing about your partner and you should anticipate adventure and feel frisky and giddy when you get around your partner! If you aren't experiencing these things, you are SUFFERING!

THERE IS A SOLUTION...well a few!

1) OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND STAT CONVERSING! Understand that fundamentals are key and communication is a fundamental aspect of relationship and is paramount to keeping that relationship healthy and functional. If you think sex is boring and dull and a bore, how do you know that your partner isn't feeling the same way? How do you know if they aren't just settling yourself? How do you know if they are enjoying it or not! If only one half of the people in your relationship knows that there is an issue, guess how quickly your issue will be solved! It won't! It is a proven fact, couples who have open lines of communication and have team sharing activities will have a much more valuable and functional relationship both sexually and non-sexually!

2) MAKE TIME! If you have to plan for a trip away for a weekend every other month just to escape children, friends, family, life...DO IT! When you have this option and opportunity, you should have the same type of sex that you had on your honeymoon! Raw, passionate, deep, and intense! Making time to cultivate your relationship with your spouse is so important! It gives you time off work so you are stressed less and being away in a “strange” place many times helps people to drop their inhibition and rekindle the flickering flame of lust and passion!

3) TRY SOMETHING NEW! You're away from home, try something new that you've never done! Use some satin sheets, change the light bulb to a black light and rub edible neon paint all over one another! All these things can make an impact on how you and your partner views sex! There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with using candy or lingerie to both entice and please your significant other!

4) GET SOME TOYS AND MOVIES! My favorite! Most people (especially religious people) have a huge issue with sex toys because it's just “UNNATURAL.” Let's get real serious for a moment, I could care less how “unnatural” something is, if it gets my husbands mojo going, I'm all for it! Sex toys (and even purchasing sex toys) doesn't have to be a scary experience. There are so many places online that you can find these toys without ever having to leave your home or anyone seeing what you got and where and where you got it from! Also, let's not forget about movies! Your significant other may like to watch movies, watch them with them, as a matter of fact, try to make a game and experience the movie as it is happening and somewhere in the middle just get lost in one another!

Understand that sex toys are simply aids to add some spice to your sex life. These are chosen so that they will help to increase the intimacy level between you and your partner! This is really amplified in the foreplay, so focus on foreplay and get to know your partner all over again from head to toe! There is nothing wrong with a blindfold or a whip for the beginner! You'll know when it's right to go to something more extreme and daring if your relationship calls for something further!

Make sure you choose things that are comfortable for both partners and keeping in mind the desired effect is not to concentrate on the aids but to become more comfortable with your partner as well as to focus on the pleasure of your partner. The toy should not be the focal point...your partner should be!

So yes...you were right, sex toys won't save your marriage, however, they sure can add that spark needed in order for your marriage to rekindle that flame and that may just be what the doctor isn't telling you!

Dr. Tanya A. Alkhaliq - Author | Speaker | Minister | Life Redesign Expert
Tanya Alkhaliq is an intersex black woman who is a Life Change Expert with an emphasis in intersex issues and counseling while specializing in self-identity development, relationship issues, gender and sexual understandings, spiritual reformations, career choices, young-adult developmental issues, and issues pertaining to fear.

PLEASE CONSIDER ADDING DR. "T" WITHIN SOME OF YOUR SOCIAL NETWORKS

Blog Feed

Relgious Blog Feed

The Harvest Group

Phoenix Outreach Services

Temple El Shammah

Assemblies of the True and Living G-d

Follow Me on Twitter

Personal Facebook

I Need a Change w/Akilah Michaels - Facebook

Temple El Shammah - Facebook

My Blog

My Religious Blog

Online Dating in the Black Community...

Ok, yea it's me again with another tirade of what's on my mind! I suppose because I'm single and although happy in my singleness not necessarily content being single! In the midst of it all, I refuse to not be joyful! Wow, I actually lost my train of thought for a moment...I'm definitely going to have to work on me and this single thing!

Today I would like to discuss the methodology of dating and I'm wondering if we as African-American's have embraced recent technological advances concerning dating! Don't misunderstand what I'm saying! I know that we use technology to find a “hook up” partner and someone with whom to “screw” on a regular but I'm talking about using the same medium in order to find...”THE ONE!”

Now, if we really seek after what is true we will understand that communities that are culturally rich (like ours) usually are more reliant on conventional methods when it comes down to meeting and finding a long-term RELATIONSHIP! So basically what this boils down to is unless we're moving to another city, it is very difficult to meet other singles who are new to the black dating scene so to speak! With that being said though, why is it that we can't open ourselves to the possible opportunity to use online prospectus in order to improve our successes of establishing long-term planned monogamous committed relationships?

Now, if you're in your late 40's or 50's plus, I definitely wouldn't have any issues with you all not accepting dealing with the internet dating, my mom really just learned how to use the computer for more than paying bills and checking email! However, the rest of us who have fought against this concept of turning to technological advances to help within our efforts we put towards dating! We need not regret what is going on in these advances but we really should take a closer look and see it as a change for the better!

FACT: Choosing someone who is compatible is troublesome and we are going to make MANY mistakes along the way! So what is the problem with using the online communities! Based on that very fact, many dating sites have an analysis that one must feel out to help us wad through some of the it'll get rid of all the screw balls but, you have a much better chance through there than we would have meeting them at the ummm CLUB?! Honestly speaking meeting someone online is not always less complicated than meeting someone in life but as with all things both have positives and negatives!

Of course now we deal with the fact that almost all people who have turned to and rely on online technology can be somewhat secure that those people that they meet are in the same situation and are probably using this medium because they themselves face the same issues that you do. I'm sorry but for me, that point alone gives us both a commonality with which to grow into something more stable and serious! We're obviously both tired and we are wanting something more than what we've been getting so the last resort, we have both come to using technology as a final frontier!

Now...the other rules of dating in the black community still apply, don't get that twisted! You need to find someone who is really searching for a solid match, make sure you get to know one another before deciding to spend the night, make sure you have OTHER things in common besides being online as a last resort and sexual fit, and BE CAREFUL WHEN BEGINNING A NEW RELATIONSHIP!

Of course the black dating community is the same as dating any other however you get to retain your rich cultural identity to help you lay a solid foundation for you developing love!

SO GET OUT THERE, SIGN UP, AND GET TO DATING!

Dr. Tanya A. Alkhaliq - Author | Speaker | Minister | Life Redesign Expert

Tanya Alkhaliq is an intersex black woman who is a Life Change Expert with an emphasis in intersex issues and counseling while specializing in self-identity development, relationship issues, gender and sexual understandings, spiritual reformations, career choices, young-adult developmental issues, and issues pertaining to fear.

PLEASE CONSIDER ADDING DR. "T" WITHIN SOME OF YOUR SOCIAL NETWORKS

Blog Feed

Relgious Blog Feed

The Harvest Group

Phoenix Outreach Services

Temple El Shammah

Assemblies of the True and Living G-d

Follow Me on Twitter

Personal Facebook

I Need a Change w/Akilah Michaels - Facebook

Temple El Shammah - Facebook

My Blog

My Religious Blog

Hook-Ups: Where do you Lay?

I know this is probably going to sound crazy but since today is sexuality day, I figured, I speak about hooking up with someone you meet “out and about.” You know the old story, we meet at the party (or elsewhere), he’s physically and intellectually just what you need (you know this because you’ve conversed with him LOL), and he’s looking at you like you are the only person he wants to “screw” for the evening (wow the preacha said screw)!

Of course that’s not what happens…but wasn’t it a great thought until he asks you a few days later as to why you didn’t “hook up” and fornicate until you were both too tired to move! This is where it gets interesting to most…most people will say either “I don’t know” or that good old song…

“I DON’T HOOK UP!”

I honestly don’t think that people are attempting to be so holy but the question of “hooking up for a one-night stand” is just not appealing to many people anymore!

HAVE WE GONE…MILD - and deciding to give up our wild ways for a more stable “non-relationship” or maybe a MARRIAGE (oh heck no)?!?!?!?!

If we take an objective point, we can honestly say that much of our appetite for marriage and that “happily ever after” is simply a response to our dissatisfaction with our every weekend random hook up with somebody who we may or may not know! Adding to that, the shameful feeling involved with what happened last night. I honestly don’t believe that we feel ashamed of what we did but moreso the shame of how dissatisfied we feel in the morning when we have to go back to our “regular” lives!

There’s a song…
It's morning, And we slept the night away, It happened, Now we can't turn back the hands of time, Yes we've stolen this moment…A new day, Brings reality and we both go our separate ways

At one point, the hookup empowered people to examine desires and take action to fulfill those desires without the strings of attachments, no last names, and a “in the moment” sexual encounter that makes a powerful social statement about who we are and that we are free to do as we please!

I honestly feel that the purpose of the hook-up has been lost on us and we’re trying to turn what’s supposed to be a “quick screw and bounce” into the beginning of a relationship! These type of mechanics were never meant to infuse LIFE and a connection…that’s why it’s a HOOK UP!

It really doesn’t matter whether you believe in marriage or monogamy understand that CONNECTION is essential to humanity. We require the presence of other people just for our well being, and not just any individuals, we have to have some stable fixtures in our lives! Those bonds we have to people help to regulate us psychologically and emotionally!

So the problem is we are experiencing the crisis as a direct of using a SOULLESS and HEARTLESS hookup to satisfy a need that emanates from the soul: the need for connection. We try to escape our loneliness and replace it with sex and to build up into something that has NO foundation.

So what is the point…know that there is a reason for all things and on a spectrum between “hook-up” and “serious committed relationship” there are many phases that we can use to shape and satisfy our needs for love and connection.

(I AM IN NO WAY ENDORSING NEITHER TELLING ANYONE THAT HOOK-UPS ARE RIGHT OR WRONG, I AM SIMPLY MAKING A STATEMENT ABOUT HOOK-UPS AND DO NOT WISH TO BE INUNDATED WITH EMAILS SAYING THAT I’M NO TYPE OF PREACHER TELLING PEOPLE TO HOOK-UP, THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. THIS IS ABOUT STATING A TRUTH AND GIVING RISE TO WHAT SOCIETY IS DOING REGARDLESS TO HOW A PREACHER FEELS)!

Dr. Tanya A. Alkhaliq - Author | Speaker | Minister | Life Redesign Expert

Tanya Alkhaliq is an intersex black woman who is a Life Change Expert with an emphasis in intersex issues and counseling while specializing in self-identity development, relationship issues, gender and sexual understandings, spiritual reformations, career choices, young-adult developmental issues, and issues pertaining to fear.

PLEASE CONSIDER ADDING DR. "T" WITHIN SOME OF YOUR SOCIAL NETWORKS

Blog Feed

Relgious Blog Feed

The Harvest Group

Phoenix Outreach Services

Temple El Shammah

Assemblies of the True and Living G-d

Follow Me on Twitter

Personal Facebook

I Need a Change w/Akilah Michaels - Facebook

Temple El Shammah - Facebook

My Blog

My Religious Blog

Be Still and Know - Silence the Mind

FOCUS FOR TODAY
Be Still and Know - Your mind keeps disrupting with its mental noise and quenches the Spirit and what G-d is doing in you because you keep listening to its negative hurdle filled analysis of what is going on around you! It's not about the circumstance but the one who controls them!

LEARN TO SILENCE YOUR MIND – We all go through life trying to find our way and we often say there is too much “noise” but that noise emanates from your own mind! This is further established when you decide to “talk it out” for the purpose of comfort and to talk yourself through the issue, the problem with that is that we are talking to and comforting our troubles making it easier for our troubles but causing more stress to assert itself into our life!

Understand that the FOCUS FOR TODAY is “Be Still and Know” and as a part of being still we me learn to be quiet while curling up in the stillness of life! Silencing the mind is best achieved by being in a place that is naturally in a state of silence. Usually the best time is early in the morning or just before going to bed, however, if you begin to practice the artform of silence, you'll come into the reality that ALL times and ALL places are suitable for silence!

Find a place where you can sit straight up and have back support while your hands are resting on the top of your thigh or any other position that there will be no tension for the duration of your “silence” time. In addition, you should not cross your legs but to be in a relaxed state as well as this disrupts circulation and the discomfort will be a distraction to your purpose.This is the time that you shouldn't be looking to figure out things but instead it should be a time of quiet silent NON-REFLECTION and total surrender to the divine in you! This should be done 15 to 30 minutes everyday (at minimum) just to sit quiet! In this, you do the very best you can and when the mind creates opportunities for “REFLECTION” see that it is trying to disrupt your quiet time and notice the building blocks of this mental noise, then disassemble this noise by the same blocks in which they are built to settle within a level of quiet surrender!

REMEMBER: There are no laws that govern inner silence so it's not something that is taught, it's just something that you do and it becomes a part of who you are as you experience it's presence.

Once you are situated, close your eyes and let the awareness of life fill your entire being! At this point you want to re-adjust yourself so that no part of your body is seeking after attention!

Now, as your eyes are closed and your body is at complete ease, allow your shoulders to take on the full weight of your head (in other words take all the pressure off your neck muscles and allow your shoulders to simply be relaxed while supporting your head). This is something that you can actually feel happen!

Next, the weight of your shoulders should be transferred to the lower parts of your body. If you are doing this properly you will be very surprised about how much extra bodily weight you unnecessarily support without even knowing that you are doing so! As you continue this process, all of your collective weight should be transferred to the chair you're sitting on!

CONSCIOUSLY TRANSFER THIS WEIGHT – LET IT GO!

Now you can release yourself from all of the unconscious physical stress and tension that you have been carrying around in your life! You should feel a sense of “floating” or “airiness” about your body at this point!

To continue, you must expand this relaxed stated state and increased bodily awareness of the “self” to include your thoughts and emotions! You must induct your mind and emotions into this self-obsorbed state of being and begin to “watch yourself from within.” It is you who must now become objective and impartial to your own thoughts and feelings. Let them do what they do without the slightest concern of their influences. Don't resist their pull, however, do not be drawn into them.

NOTE: If you are just beginning, you may undergo an “emotional breakdown” the first few times as you are not used to really seeing and feeling your emotions without having to interpret. The purpose of this is to get you to the point of non-interpretation and quiet beingness! This could be a very traumatic experience as they really begin to see how they see themselves.

Your goal is detached self-observation and remember that each time a feeling or emotion comes to you, you must realize that you're no longer watching but rather you have become captivated by that feeling or thought and you are allowing yourself to be carried along with it. You must withdraw from it and return to the PRESENT MOMENT of quiet solitude.

In this practice you begin to KNOW what it means to BE STILL! You must experience it for yourself over and over again let go, give up distractions, go deeper within you, watch, bring the awareness of yourself back to the present moment paying no attention to your thoughts and feelings are trying to tell you while you are BEING STILL AND KNOWING!

As you persist and prevail, the struggle to stay aware of yourself in the present moment will make the moment itself change but remember as that moment changes....SO DO YOU!

Should you continue to practice, eventually you will be able to go beyond those prostestations of the mind and your sense of self and your awareness of the present moment will melt away and with the melting away a new deeper sense of silence floods your soul and fills your awareness with itself and then the awareness that the source of this supreme stillness is arising out of your own BEINGNESS.

All things are now washed away and you have arrived at a quiet mind! It is now you can “MEDITATE” on those words both day and night and they will NOT depart but will become an everlasting stream of life flowing from you to empower everyone at all times!

Dr. Tanya A. Alkhaliq - Author | Speaker | Minister | Life Redesign Expert

Tanya Alkhaliq is an intersex black woman who is a Life Change Expert with an emphasis in intersex issues and counseling while specializing in self-identity development, relationship issues, gender and sexual understandings, spiritual reformations, career choices, young-adult developmental issues, and issues pertaining to fear.

PLEASE CONSIDER ADDING DR. "T" WITHIN SOME OF YOUR SOCIAL NETWORKS

Blog Feed

Relgious Blog Feed

The Harvest Group

Phoenix Outreach Services

Temple El Shammah

Assemblies of the True and Living G-d

Follow Me on Twitter

Personal Facebook

I Need a Change w/Akilah Michaels - Facebook

Temple El Shammah - Facebook

My Blog

My Religious Blog

The Harvest Group Marketing

I Need a Change with Akilah Michaels - Barter Basics & Book Review

I Need a Change with Akilah Michaels - Barter Basics & Book Review

Daily Encouragement: Hope doesn't require a massive chain where heavy links of logic hold it together. A thin wire will do, just strong enough to get us through the night until the winds die down!