I NEED A CHANGE 28 - ACCEPTANCE OF MY SEXUAL SELF!

Hello great and remarkable people!

MOTIVATIONAL MOMENT - Stay anchored in the moment and trust that gut feeling, many times it can and will lead to great and awesome adventures of self-exploration and self-expression. It is when we feel like we know what we are doing that we end up thinking too much becoming lost in questions, judgments, doubts, and fears that do not define us but seek to cause us to question our reality. It's amazing how something that isn't real has the ability to cause of to question and re-think what we are in reality experiencing as truth. Remember that many of the best things in life are not planned but they just happen and we as humans all have these wonderful gifts to offer to the world, it is up to us to choose to offer these gifts.

As people, many times we choose to accept all of our other selves except the two most important "the AUTHENTIC self" and "the SEXUAL self." These two "selves" has caused so much turmoil in our lives because societal standards and mores have taught against the experience of these "selves" and has conditioned us to live in the reality of "the INFERRED self." While living in "the INFERRED self" our "sexual self" has run amok and we end up "overacting" and not accepting!

Today I am working to reclaim my sexual self by learning and teaching others to love and accept their bodies and their sexuality by "re-visualizing" them and to learn to see them differently and not take what others have said about their parts and negate them and relegate them to a mere existence but to bring connectivity to the whole body.

SAY IT...PENIS!!!
SAY IT...VAGINA!!!

Most women from very early on are taught to fear penises! I've heard stories of young ladies being told that if they have sex that they would bleed to death. Likewise I've heard stories where boys were told if they have sex that they would get stuck like a dog. These stories don't teach, these stories scare people into not doing something that's natural AND causes them to look at the opposites parts as death traps! So we have grown women who are married who are fearful of their husbands penises. We have grown men who are married who are fearful of seeing and looking at their wives vaginas. Yes, I understand the motives were to protect the innocence of a child, however, at what point do we end the fear and grow to not only love, accept, and bring positive light to our own genitals but begin to see the opposites sex genitals as gifts not to be forsaken or feared but to be explored and loved?

The fear of penises that are instilled in girls is supposed to cause a healthy self-defensive fear of men to prevent rape, abuse, disrespect and aggression. The fear of vaginas that are instilled in boys is supposed to curb a young mans appetite for sexual exploration with young women so as not to cause pregnancy and to help him develop a sense of appreciation for vagina's as he matures. The issue within both of these is that both people mature and the exact opposite of the purpose is what occurs in the lives of both individuals due to social stimuli. Women still fear means penises as adults and attempt to hide that fact by many times becoming promiscuous and "self-identified" as "sexually free." Men mature and are taught that in order to subdue and to make a woman feel right you have to "beat it down" or she won't respect you! Both of these scenarios play out in the lives of most of our young-adults daily and it all stems from not having a healthy understanding of their own equipment because fear begets fear and not only are we scaring these children to fear the opposite genders' sexual parts, we are in essence teaching them to fear their own. After the fear, these young men and young women get together with other young men and women who are trying to teach one another not to fear by comparing how big they are to one another's who who made the girl they just ran a train on scream the loudest or how wet someone got. We grow up into adulthood with these fears of our own devices as well as those of others and get married and expect to have positive productive SEXUAL relationships with our spouses. How can you expect to have a positive sexual relationship when you are afraid of the sexual parts that are utilized for relationship?

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
It's very simple, we must begin to retrain our minds about sexuality and sexual organs. The best way to begin to do this is to seek out erotic ART (NOT PORN) and begin to explore the various nuances of what these parts look like separated and then what they look like while actively involved with one another! How do they complement one another? How are they receptive to one another? These are the types of things that we must teach ourselves and then we must learn to love the self of who we are!

When was the last time you looked in the mirror at your naked self? When was the last time you honored your nakedness appreciate all your entire body from head to toe? Have you ever been taught that you need to honor and appreciate your nude form...to love your nude form?

No, I'm not trying to turn you into a nudist (I'm not one) but your ability to love, appreciate, and honor your whole body INCLUDING YOUR GENITALS without having to touch yourself or possess it is essential to learning to respect and love and honor the body and genitals of the one you are with.

We have to learn to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to our partners without the feeling that they need to possess or attack us in the process. It's good to be able to be watched or to watch your partner sexually pleasure themselves or to be erotic with our bodies for our partner to really learn to respect your body (and vice-versa). Learn to simply look and enjoy and accept people AS THEY ARE.

It is important to relearn how to see the human body (including a penis ejaculating or a woman having an orgasm) as a beautiful thing rather than something taboo, forbidden, dirty, or sinful. In order to do this we must learn to re-see these things with acceptance and compassion and not from being fearful and suspicious about them while concentrating on the physical senses of what it is supposed to be. We must unlearn abuse and rekindle the form of respect for the body that was once cherished.

So rekindle that desire to see yourself and others in a positive light and begin exploring your own genitals and see they are not to be feared...likewise, neither are the opposites sex genitals to cause fear!

Here's to freedom from fear and acceptance of your sexual self...

Your Friend...The "Inner Healing" Lifestyle Coach
Tanya A. Alkhaliq, ThD

MY WEBSITES
Dr. T
Strong Tower HATLG
Holy Assemblies of the True and Living G-d

MY SOCIAL NETWORKS
Twitter
Facebook

Contact Dr. T  for Coaching or Counseling - 336.935.3148 or Ofc: 336.347.8557

Tanya Alkhaliq is an intersex black woman who is a Life Redesign Expert with an emphasis in intersex issues and counseling while specializing in self-identity development, relationship issues, gender and sexual understandings, spiritual reformations, career choices, young-adult developmental issues, and issues pertaining to fear.

Tanya A. Alkhaliq, ThD
Author | Speaker | Minister | Life Redesign Expert

I NEED A CHANGE 27 - DATING: REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS LEAD TO AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS

Hello great and remarkable people!

MOTIVATIONAL MOMENT - Everyone wants commitment, especially in relationships: whether they be friendships, sexual relationships, or romantic relationships...all of us have a goal of a certain level of commitment that we want the other person(s) to adhere to for our own personal well being. In dating, in order to evoke commitment we must be willing to deal with and face hard truths such as you are NOT the perfect person who does not need any improvement, on the contrary, you probably need a lot of improvement in many areas of your life, however, that does not disqualify you from receiving that level of commitment that you desire but it does mean that you will have to begin weighing people and the options they present very carefully against the desires of your own heart. So learn to emphasize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses by doing introspective WORK that leads to a change in your persona. Attraction and confidence are not simply given, they are learned skills and when you learn how to utilize them, you will become more honest not only with others but yourself and in freeing yourself from social ills and creating a space of social freedom you will be willing to show your true and authentic self to the one you desire and they will in turn respond to your veracity.

REALISM - THE ART OF DATING
Does appearances matter to other people? YES! Don't be fooled! What you look like and how you present yourself has MUCH to do with whether someone approaches you or not. The issue is that people are too far hung on appearances when they are seeking "THE ONE." Now,if you're just seeking "THE ONE FOR NOW," by all means stick with appearances and nothing more because it's not meant to work anyway, however, if you are seeking something deep and meaningful you have to do some introspective and cognitive reasoning.

Simple Exercise - Get up from the computer and find a full length mirror, take off all of your clothes and check yourself out. You're gorgeous aren't you? Fine as wine huh? Sexy and you know it? Now notice the difference between yourself and the last person that you WISHED you looked like!

Now, since your bubble has been busted, we can go a little further shall we? Do not mistake me, LOVE YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE, it is of utmost importance for you to do so, however, be realistic concerning your image. To gain some perspective, consider the last person that you said to yourself that you WISHED you looked like. In other words, be realistic about your appearance while you're staring into someone's eyes you're attempting to want to get to know.

We all have something attractive about us that we think about ourselves and that we perceive that others think as well, however, that's not always the image that we have in our head. So, if you want something meaningful and not a fly by night, consider looking further than a face, some breasts or a nicely defined chest, a nice rump, some gorgeous curves, or that knot in the front of some nicely fit slacks. Yes, it is important to get the type of individual that you are attracted to, however, attractiveness works both ways and many times we forsake the depth, personality, and values system of people over the good looks! A woman who wants to get with a man because he's sexy and packing and gives her something she can feel who gives up the value of herself by allowing him to beat on her and blacken her eyes...what type of relationship is that and why would anyone want to remain therein?

THERE ARE NO MONEY BACK GUARANTEES
As much as many of us (both men and women) wish, there are no money back guarantees when it comes to dating! Men who choose to impress a woman with his fat bank account by taking her to the most expensive restaurants and cruises and buying her the newest pair of "Red Bottoms" cannot complain when the woman that he's spoiled is found to be a gold-digging whore who would sleep with his best friend if he could take better care of her or someone finds her with another opportunity to do "better." Likewise ladies, don't be upset when you find out that he's a no good dude who would sleep with you and everyone else he finds attractive, after all, you did give it up to him within the first few hours of meeting! Also, for all of you other women out there who didn't go that route, what were the first things he talked about with you? What did he ask you? How did he get to know you? Did he make a press to come and see you or did you have to figure out how you were going to go see him and miraculously he didn't want to go out! On the contrary, he wanted to stay in and cuddle! So, whatever you've spent your money on, there are no guarantees that you'll get back what you decide to invest into the building of a relationship.

Not only are there no money back guarantees, there is no time limit on how long you may have to search! As I sit and type this, it's been an eight (8) year journey for me being single (of course there were some dates, a few romances but mostly people who didn't want the same things that I wanted but I was willing to let go of my "money" in order to see if what I knew wouldn't work COULD work). I've been in search mode for eight years, some people longer than I, for others a few months and they've seemingly found the one they can love who will love them back! Each of our journey's are as unique as our finger prints and the journey that we have to take sometimes is not always the quickest, however, the journey will always lead us to success (whatever that means for us individually).

The question before beginning on the dating journey should be, am I committed to this cause? You will meet some gorgeous people who you will reject, there will be some gorgeous people who will reject you and all of the rejection is based upon an image that has been created inside of someone's head of what they consider their soul mate should look like. The question is are you presenting what your ideal soul mate desires in his/her mind?! It's a hard question because although we all want to see ourselves as the best thing since sliced bread, if all we're going on is looks, you should be prepared to be judged by the exact standard by which you place upon another and no matter how well put together you are, there is ALWAYS someone who can come to say "you're not all that" simply by their presence.

So what are we to do? How are we to deal with this? Take that same image of your ideal soul mate. You know the one that has everything you want and THROW IT AWAY. Let's begin with a clean canvass that has nothing on it! Open yourself up to the possibility that your ideal mate is not in your head but can moreso be found within your heart. If you would start with a clean slate, you can successfully open yourself up to meeting new and interesting people which may not only stimulate your body but will stimulate your mind and spirit!

SO YOU'RE OPEN...WHAT NEXT?
The fun begins here! Conversely, this is also the area that needs most of the work and drastic improvements have to come. Let me ask a question...If you could live your life really being who you are...how would you behave? What would be noticeable about you? What's "authentic" about you that would make you more appealing to the ones you would like to notice you? Those are the questions that you must answer! Do you think that you would be attracted to an obnoxious jerk? Or possibly an over inflated pompous loud mouth? Now ask yourself...is that who you are?

Hard truth...people in public many times become their authentic self when they think that no one is looking! When your guard is down and you can simply be you and there is seemingly no judgment, you become the authentic you that many times you refuse to see and recognize because you decided that person doesn't exist based upon societal standards and mores. So, who do people see and would you date that person if that person wasn't you? Another hard truth...if you wouldn't date that person, there is a good chance that you do act that way and that is what people see when they see you!

We have to get over our fear of being ourselves! In order to be "self" we must work towards understanding who we are! Truthfully, how many of your thoughts and opinions do you share with the world? If you were to share many of your thoughts you'd no doubt be considered racist, misogynistic, insane, stupid, ignorant, sexist, etc...however, in relationships, these things you have to share with one another in order to know whether you would work together to build upon one anothers foundation.

It's a deep journey of personal transformation but you can get there but we have to learn to be authentic and realistic in our pursuits! Now, since we have gotten to realism concerning ourselves, we can be authentic in our expectation of "THE ONE." Now you must consider your personality and what personality types go well with you and when we do that, we are ready for our first date.

Be realistic and be authentic and while you're doing that...go and speak to as many people as you desire. Don't be afraid just go right up and introduce yourself and enjoy the feeling being authentic while getting to know someone that you may not normally give a chance to even converse!

I'm not saying devalue yourself by picking people you have no attraction to, however, if you're an average joe a super model just may not be attracted to you! Be realistic in your expectations and if someone doesn't meet your expectations...don't feel bad, let them down easily, and move on to someone more suitable for what you are seeking!

Have fun keeping it real...

Your Friend...The "Inner Healing" Lifestyle Coach
Tanya A. Alkhaliq, ThD

MY WEBSITES
Dr. T
Strong Tower HATLG
Holy Assemblies of the True and Living G-d

MY SOCIAL NETWORKS
Twitter
Facebook

Contact Dr. T  for Coaching or Counseling - 336.935.3148 or Ofc: 336.347.8557

Tanya Alkhaliq is an intersex black woman who is a Life Redesign Expert with an emphasis in intersex issues and counseling while specializing in self-identity development, relationship issues, gender and sexual understandings, spiritual reformations, career choices, young-adult developmental issues, and issues pertaining to fear.

Tanya A. Alkhaliq, ThD
Author | Speaker | Minister | Life Redesign Expert