MOTIVATIONAL MOMENT - Everyone wants commitment, especially in relationships: whether they be friendships, sexual relationships, or romantic relationships...all of us have a goal of a certain level of commitment that we want the other person(s) to adhere to for our own personal well being. In dating, in order to evoke commitment we must be willing to deal with and face hard truths such as you are NOT the perfect person who does not need any improvement, on the contrary, you probably need a lot of improvement in many areas of your life, however, that does not disqualify you from receiving that level of commitment that you desire but it does mean that you will have to begin weighing people and the options they present very carefully against the desires of your own heart. So learn to emphasize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses by doing introspective WORK that leads to a change in your persona. Attraction and confidence are not simply given, they are learned skills and when you learn how to utilize them, you will become more honest not only with others but yourself and in freeing yourself from social ills and creating a space of social freedom you will be willing to show your true and authentic self to the one you desire and they will in turn respond to your veracity.
REALISM - THE ART OF DATING
Does appearances matter to other people? YES! Don't be fooled! What you look like and how you present yourself has MUCH to do with whether someone approaches you or not. The issue is that people are too far hung on appearances when they are seeking "THE ONE." Now,if you're just seeking "THE ONE FOR NOW," by all means stick with appearances and nothing more because it's not meant to work anyway, however, if you are seeking something deep and meaningful you have to do some introspective and cognitive reasoning.
Simple Exercise - Get up from the computer and find a full length mirror, take off all of your clothes and check yourself out. You're gorgeous aren't you? Fine as wine huh? Sexy and you know it? Now notice the difference between yourself and the last person that you WISHED you looked like!
Now, since your bubble has been busted, we can go a little further shall we? Do not mistake me, LOVE YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE, it is of utmost importance for you to do so, however, be realistic concerning your image. To gain some perspective, consider the last person that you said to yourself that you WISHED you looked like. In other words, be realistic about your appearance while you're staring into someone's eyes you're attempting to want to get to know.
We all have something attractive about us that we think about ourselves and that we perceive that others think as well, however, that's not always the image that we have in our head. So, if you want something meaningful and not a fly by night, consider looking further than a face, some breasts or a nicely defined chest, a nice rump, some gorgeous curves, or that knot in the front of some nicely fit slacks. Yes, it is important to get the type of individual that you are attracted to, however, attractiveness works both ways and many times we forsake the depth, personality, and values system of people over the good looks! A woman who wants to get with a man because he's sexy and packing and gives her something she can feel who gives up the value of herself by allowing him to beat on her and blacken her eyes...what type of relationship is that and why would anyone want to remain therein?
THERE ARE NO MONEY BACK GUARANTEES
As much as many of us (both men and women) wish, there are no money back guarantees when it comes to dating! Men who choose to impress a woman with his fat bank account by taking her to the most expensive restaurants and cruises and buying her the newest pair of "Red Bottoms" cannot complain when the woman that he's spoiled is found to be a gold-digging whore who would sleep with his best friend if he could take better care of her or someone finds her with another opportunity to do "better." Likewise ladies, don't be upset when you find out that he's a no good dude who would sleep with you and everyone else he finds attractive, after all, you did give it up to him within the first few hours of meeting! Also, for all of you other women out there who didn't go that route, what were the first things he talked about with you? What did he ask you? How did he get to know you? Did he make a press to come and see you or did you have to figure out how you were going to go see him and miraculously he didn't want to go out! On the contrary, he wanted to stay in and cuddle! So, whatever you've spent your money on, there are no guarantees that you'll get back what you decide to invest into the building of a relationship.
Not only are there no money back guarantees, there is no time limit on how long you may have to search! As I sit and type this, it's been an eight (8) year journey for me being single (of course there were some dates, a few romances but mostly people who didn't want the same things that I wanted but I was willing to let go of my "money" in order to see if what I knew wouldn't work COULD work). I've been in search mode for eight years, some people longer than I, for others a few months and they've seemingly found the one they can love who will love them back! Each of our journey's are as unique as our finger prints and the journey that we have to take sometimes is not always the quickest, however, the journey will always lead us to success (whatever that means for us individually).
The question before beginning on the dating journey should be, am I committed to this cause? You will meet some gorgeous people who you will reject, there will be some gorgeous people who will reject you and all of the rejection is based upon an image that has been created inside of someone's head of what they consider their soul mate should look like. The question is are you presenting what your ideal soul mate desires in his/her mind?! It's a hard question because although we all want to see ourselves as the best thing since sliced bread, if all we're going on is looks, you should be prepared to be judged by the exact standard by which you place upon another and no matter how well put together you are, there is ALWAYS someone who can come to say "you're not all that" simply by their presence.
So what are we to do? How are we to deal with this? Take that same image of your ideal soul mate. You know the one that has everything you want and THROW IT AWAY. Let's begin with a clean canvass that has nothing on it! Open yourself up to the possibility that your ideal mate is not in your head but can moreso be found within your heart. If you would start with a clean slate, you can successfully open yourself up to meeting new and interesting people which may not only stimulate your body but will stimulate your mind and spirit!
SO YOU'RE OPEN...WHAT NEXT?
The fun begins here! Conversely, this is also the area that needs most of the work and drastic improvements have to come. Let me ask a question...If you could live your life really being who you are...how would you behave? What would be noticeable about you? What's "authentic" about you that would make you more appealing to the ones you would like to notice you? Those are the questions that you must answer! Do you think that you would be attracted to an obnoxious jerk? Or possibly an over inflated pompous loud mouth? Now ask yourself...is that who you are?
Hard truth...people in public many times become their authentic self when they think that no one is looking! When your guard is down and you can simply be you and there is seemingly no judgment, you become the authentic you that many times you refuse to see and recognize because you decided that person doesn't exist based upon societal standards and mores. So, who do people see and would you date that person if that person wasn't you? Another hard truth...if you wouldn't date that person, there is a good chance that you do act that way and that is what people see when they see you!
We have to get over our fear of being ourselves! In order to be "self" we must work towards understanding who we are! Truthfully, how many of your thoughts and opinions do you share with the world? If you were to share many of your thoughts you'd no doubt be considered racist, misogynistic, insane, stupid, ignorant, sexist, etc...however, in relationships, these things you have to share with one another in order to know whether you would work together to build upon one anothers foundation.
It's a deep journey of personal transformation but you can get there but we have to learn to be authentic and realistic in our pursuits! Now, since we have gotten to realism concerning ourselves, we can be authentic in our expectation of "THE ONE." Now you must consider your personality and what personality types go well with you and when we do that, we are ready for our first date.
Be realistic and be authentic and while you're doing that...go and speak to as many people as you desire. Don't be afraid just go right up and introduce yourself and enjoy the feeling being authentic while getting to know someone that you may not normally give a chance to even converse!
I'm not saying devalue yourself by picking people you have no attraction to, however, if you're an average joe a super model just may not be attracted to you! Be realistic in your expectations and if someone doesn't meet your expectations...don't feel bad, let them down easily, and move on to someone more suitable for what you are seeking!
Have fun keeping it real...
Your Friend...The "Inner Healing" Lifestyle Coach
Tanya A. Alkhaliq, ThD
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Tanya Alkhaliq is an intersex black woman who is a Life Redesign Expert with an emphasis in intersex issues and counseling while specializing in self-identity development, relationship issues, gender and sexual understandings, spiritual reformations, career choices, young-adult developmental issues, and issues pertaining to fear.Tanya A. Alkhaliq, ThD
Author | Speaker | Minister | Life Redesign Expert
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