Can a Marriage be Saved by Sexual Aids?

For many the word “marriage” is a word that one dare not bring up to someone they are dating! Sure for most women, they get involved with a guy in a long term relationship with the ideal of one day they will be married! Yet for other women, they just want to get their rocks off! The idea that most men go into a relationship actually wanting to get married is at the least absurd (unless of course they've done all the craziness they are planning on doing)! Regardless to which category one finds themselves, for some reason some people seem to think that marriage equates the DEATH OF THE SEX LIFE! This doesn't have to be the case!

It's amazing to me of how many couples who have come into marriage counseling with me who have this one issue and it spins around the issue of sex and sexuality within their marriage relationship! One of the most prevailing questions that I have come across concerning this topic is “Can sex toys save a marriage?” The answer to that question is “NO” in most peoples minds, however, are most people really getting the right “medication” when it comes to marriage and the sexual covenant one makes with their spouse?

Marriage is a covenant that can be summed up in the union of love, friendship, and definitely intimacy with an emphasis on a healthy sex life, however, often times it is the lack of the healthy sex life that contributes to many marriages being broken and fragmented. So what is the issue?

The issue is that society has labeled things as taboo and that leads to an inability to communicate with one's spouse concerning sexual needs and desires, especially within the lives of those who are extremely religious and sees sex as a means to an end and not as a living entity that transcends beyond two people but instead enlivens and invigorates two persons into one being! It is this loss of communication skills and the silly notion that “things will get better” which you can honestly say is a marriage doomed for separation.

Adding to our inability to express ourselves, we often lead a lifestyle that equates busy-ness with success. In that sex gets put on a list to do instead of being on the list to become and everything else (longer working hours, shopping, house work, etc...) gets in the place and in the way of a healthy sex life. WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS but honestly speaking from experience, being too tired or having a headache or being too busy is NO reason to replace the coming together of individuals to experience the greatness of their counterpart!

Sex should not be a chore, neither should sex be had only a few times a month, try a few times a week, if your life is really that busy, schedule a few quickies and some real intimate time with your significant other EVERY week! There is nothing greater than fantasizing about your partner and you should anticipate adventure and feel frisky and giddy when you get around your partner! If you aren't experiencing these things, you are SUFFERING!

THERE IS A SOLUTION...well a few!

1) OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND STAT CONVERSING! Understand that fundamentals are key and communication is a fundamental aspect of relationship and is paramount to keeping that relationship healthy and functional. If you think sex is boring and dull and a bore, how do you know that your partner isn't feeling the same way? How do you know if they aren't just settling yourself? How do you know if they are enjoying it or not! If only one half of the people in your relationship knows that there is an issue, guess how quickly your issue will be solved! It won't! It is a proven fact, couples who have open lines of communication and have team sharing activities will have a much more valuable and functional relationship both sexually and non-sexually!

2) MAKE TIME! If you have to plan for a trip away for a weekend every other month just to escape children, friends, family, life...DO IT! When you have this option and opportunity, you should have the same type of sex that you had on your honeymoon! Raw, passionate, deep, and intense! Making time to cultivate your relationship with your spouse is so important! It gives you time off work so you are stressed less and being away in a “strange” place many times helps people to drop their inhibition and rekindle the flickering flame of lust and passion!

3) TRY SOMETHING NEW! You're away from home, try something new that you've never done! Use some satin sheets, change the light bulb to a black light and rub edible neon paint all over one another! All these things can make an impact on how you and your partner views sex! There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with using candy or lingerie to both entice and please your significant other!

4) GET SOME TOYS AND MOVIES! My favorite! Most people (especially religious people) have a huge issue with sex toys because it's just “UNNATURAL.” Let's get real serious for a moment, I could care less how “unnatural” something is, if it gets my husbands mojo going, I'm all for it! Sex toys (and even purchasing sex toys) doesn't have to be a scary experience. There are so many places online that you can find these toys without ever having to leave your home or anyone seeing what you got and where and where you got it from! Also, let's not forget about movies! Your significant other may like to watch movies, watch them with them, as a matter of fact, try to make a game and experience the movie as it is happening and somewhere in the middle just get lost in one another!

Understand that sex toys are simply aids to add some spice to your sex life. These are chosen so that they will help to increase the intimacy level between you and your partner! This is really amplified in the foreplay, so focus on foreplay and get to know your partner all over again from head to toe! There is nothing wrong with a blindfold or a whip for the beginner! You'll know when it's right to go to something more extreme and daring if your relationship calls for something further!

Make sure you choose things that are comfortable for both partners and keeping in mind the desired effect is not to concentrate on the aids but to become more comfortable with your partner as well as to focus on the pleasure of your partner. The toy should not be the focal point...your partner should be!

So yes...you were right, sex toys won't save your marriage, however, they sure can add that spark needed in order for your marriage to rekindle that flame and that may just be what the doctor isn't telling you!

Dr. Tanya A. Alkhaliq - Author | Speaker | Minister | Life Redesign Expert
Tanya Alkhaliq is an intersex black woman who is a Life Change Expert with an emphasis in intersex issues and counseling while specializing in self-identity development, relationship issues, gender and sexual understandings, spiritual reformations, career choices, young-adult developmental issues, and issues pertaining to fear.

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